Hobbit Life Hack: Roadtrip
by DuCali
Summary: Most SI characters end up in their new universe with nothing to their name, scared, alone, afraid. What would happen if a survivalist with all their gear (and a station wagon) were to end up in Middle Earth around the time a certain company were at Beorn's?
1. Waking to a Dream

A/N: I am surprised and shocked that nobody has- (as far as I know) wrote a Hobbit SI fic like this before. I just can't get why SI that are dumped in other universes are always so lacking. Like- why can't we go there and just kick ass?

* * *

Chapter 1: Nausea

I was going camping- a road trip in my Subaru Outback that was going to span the whole of California- the coast, the beach, Yosemite, the redwoods- and divert through Vegas (just in time for the bi-monthly pride parade*) before ending up at the grand canyon and all the way back. It would take about 3 weeks, since I was stopping so much, and I had reservations at the state camp grounds on the south rim for a week and a half. I was travelling North on the I-5 not 20 minutes after getting on the road, when I fainted while driving. Just- total blackout. There was a flash of light- a pulse that rocked my car and made me nauseas, and then nothing.

* * *

When I came to, I was in the middle of nowhere. And I mean- literally nowhere. I had no service, and I wasn't on a road. There were no tire tracks, there were no signs, no public bathrooms and literally there was just bunny hills, a few rocks and grass. No tire tracks that suggested how my car- and by association myself- had gotten there in the first place. The grass wasn't bent, so I'd probably been out quite a while, at least a few hours, though by the dry sticky feel in my mouth, probably more. It smelled- kinda like Washington. The clear air down from Alaska winds- weird, since California was mostly wind-stopping valley and therefore had a generally staleness that was mostly unnoticeable unless you'd been somewhere else for awhile, like the bay area that had no protection from ocean winds; so yeah- Weird.

I jumped into the back of my car to riffle through my survival gear in search for a compass. I'd packed in case of- anything really, since I wasn't the kind of traveller to decide what I wanted to do ahead of time. I'd folded down both of the back seats for cargo room to store all my stuff- a hiking bag, a G.O.O.D. bag **(because hey- the zombie Apocalypse could happen whenever) and everything in it, two tents (one single for backpacking and one for up to 4 people- you never know who you'll make friends with),a blow-up bed (with hand pump), a foldup chair, a cooler full of water and snackage, various camping cooking awesomeness, about 10 pounds of jerky (Just in case) and the same in Hard tack (I'm a traditionalist at heart, and that shit never went bad!), and various odds and ends that I found essential to new-age camping (like a portable shower/latrine, Swedish firesteel, a mini gas powered portable stove- a couple gallons of extra fuel on top of the reserve tank I'd had installed).

I tapped the compass and frowned. It seemed The hills around me had some heavy ore deposits of some kind, because It wasn't giving me a clear north. I sighed. I'd have to find the road somehow. I looked around for the closest tree, and grabbed my climbing equipment and some hiking shoes. There was a likely pine (don't ask me what species) off to the right so I strapped myself in and threw up a lead rope.*** When I got to the top, I saw some greener patches of land to the left and back from where it looks my car could have come from- indicating either a road, a row of houses, or a river, all of which looked likelier than the creepy gross forest to my right. I shimmied back down and packed away the equipment; I turned the key, buckled my seatbelt, and took a breath- (viciously beating back my hysteria. I was in control- I would survive whatever came- I was an independent kick-ass awesome woman and 'I got this!' huzzah! And when I found who did this to me, if at all possible without censure evidence, I'd castrate [or the female equivalent] whoever did this to me with a dull wooden _spork._ )

I smiled and nodded to myself. Yeah. That works. And I pulled forward towards uncertain hope.

* * *

A/N: This is short, sorry. I ran out of time at the Library. I hadn't meant to fic honestly, but I had this plot bunny just take hold of me as I was posting the newest chapter to my other story and was all like- eh; why not? You know? I'll write more when I get home.

*as far as I know, there is not actually a bi-monthly pride parade. I made that up, because it's wishful thinking. When I travel, I always miss the pride parades. It's _unfair._

 _**A G.O.O.D. bag is made by survivalists for emergency situations. Mine is a Camel-bak type that's sturdy and has both emergency tent capabilities and a comfortable carriage distributed through the hips and across the shoulders for comfort over long areas. It has everything I need to fish/hunt/build fires as well as a nifty sleeping bag that's about a 1/4 the size of a regular sleeping bag that doesn't need folding, and a two person hammock. Also included are water purifying essentials, emergency and general first-aid, and stuff to survive a forest fire (also two weeks emergency rations)._

 _***everything I know about climbing trees I learned from Treehouse Masters._


	2. First Impressions :Part I

A/N: This chapter was weird, and for some reason (physics) I decided to have there be more traveling than I initially guessed. So…you don't get to see the Company until next chapter. I've already written most of it, so I'll post part 2 soon.

* * *

Chapter 2; part 1: First Impressions

* * *

It was a river.

Damn it.

Well – water meant life, And – I argued to myself as I rolled my pants up and donned my hiking/water trekkers (beautiful things- ergonomic, fast drying, wicks away sweat and perfect for muddy trail hiking) if I was going to run into someone in what it looked like was the middle of nowhere, I was going to have to follow it.

I pulled out a water testing kit. Most of the water in the US is safe to drink, with a little chlorine tablet and some coal filters – or a little boiling – for virus and the like, but it was always better to know what you have to work with. My kit tested mostly for chemicals- fertilizers and pesticides were of the greatest concern- with the lack of development, it's likely this was farmland.

I was a little incredulous- since even with a few hours, the trees, climate and air were different enough that I had to have been moved a great deal – The air was damper now as I walked around, more than the river could account for.

California was dry- and there weren't any mountains that I could see- just one big outcropping a few miles down the river- the direction I was likely to go anyway, because mountain people (where the water originated) tended to be sparse and lacking communications and mental health facilities, while cities tended to be settled on the other end of them and at least had enough normal people to even out the crazies (and less likely to get away with wearing my face as a Halloween mask if worst came to worst). Between two sides of a river, I always know which end I'd rather trek towards looking for help.

The water was clean- not just (and I blinked here) completely clean of chemicals. Jesus- was there anywhere in the world that was? But it was lacking in radicals, general sewer pollutants like urea, hormones and even biological virus. It was purer than bottled water. I checked the microscope picture my kit generated, and saw a few biological agents I wasn't familiar with, which was worrying- but I could kill those off with a simple chlorine pill, boil it- or if I didn't want to waste propane, I could set it in a plastic bottle and strap it to the top of my car, and let the sun kill them off. But it was clean enough to swim in, certainly. I remembered the biological protozoa that looked unfamiliar and that I still wasn't sure I wasn't on camera and decided to stay in my underwear.

I took another look at the sides of the river and decided to try further down stream for a shallower incline.

About an 10 minutes into my drive – It was a little bumpy, but tolerable- I passed that rock formation. It looked like there were stairs winding down it,- which meant hikers! But also no handrails, so likely a survivalist place, which I approved of categorically. They'd have a radio, if nothing else. They hadn't been anywhere I'd seen on my drive following the river so I would likely run into them soon.

I drove out another hour or so (my phone's time was seriously off- it said it was 4 am when it was by all accounts a little before noon judging by the shadows) before I found the….house.

It didn't look like a retreat, but the grounds were clean and organized, and lacked the woodsy bachelor musk that I associated with crazy wood people. Secret camera show was looking less likely.

But the bees! They were a type I'd never seen before- some kind of hybrid Bumblebee, and at least 3 times their size. I. Love. Bees. They were so – so- awesome. I just. Can't. I am not embarrassed to say that I took video, despite the drain on my battery.

The gardens were gorgeous, and economical. All of the plants I recognized that weren't food had medical or fragrant properties, or could be used to make soaps or creams. I was a little in love. The woodpile to the side was swept and clean, and I actually bumped into an honest to goodness sheep on my way to the front door. The look it gave me was affronted, so I stopped for a bit to give it's head a good rub in apology.

The cottage home was actually kind of prettyish with a sort of stucco mud-clay mix exterior that was favored with the Japanese currently in tree houses. Common in long-distance builds since it used the surrounding resources instead of costly lumber, though it was likely lumber based on the inside. I approved. I knocked on the door, only for the sheep to beat me to it. It jumped up on it, and pulled the handle down letting itself in.

It was obviously unlocked. So- I entered and called "Hello?", to be met with still silence. The room was a little musty, but not much. A dog was by the embers of a fire, and though he put his head up when I came up, he settled back down after nudging the sheep. Obviously friendly- and no breed I'd ever seen, though he looked like he had mastiff in him. I was again surprised. Mutts were healthier, but not very many people preferred them.

"Hello!" I called again, cupping my hand around my mouth to make the sound carry farther- and still nothing. Nobody home. I looked at the window over the sink- no curtains. Definitely a man then. I huffed a bit in amusement and got to checking out my surroundings- and maybe the pantry. No use using up rations if I didn't need to, and whatever the guy asked for (except sex- I'd never sold my body before and didn't plan on doing it now) I could pay. I had the basic bill denominations, dollars, pounds, euros, some salt water pearls and gold bullion stashed in the side panels of my car doors (seriously- all the stuff you can fit around the cars carriage was kind of funny if you thought about it, and where I didn't have actual things, I had phone books- a cheap and efficient way to bullet proof a car).

He (whoever he was) had honey, and lots of it. None of it in plastic, which didn't really matter, but he didn't have any glass either. All clay pots. I thought about the homemade jams and stuff I had under my passenger seat. I had at least 6 cans of Peach, and 4 cans of plum, which would be probably as beloved by a guy that didn't normally allow himself the luxury of pre-made glass products. I supposed I could trade for the Honey- good honey was hard to find, and it'd boost my immunity to the locale if I ate honey pollinated and made locally. Probably by those awesome bees. I shook it a bit, and it looked pure and smelled sweet, and was a light whiskey hue which meant the bees were in flourishing health and that he'd screened out all the detritus.

Not only was it good for immunity boosting, but it tasted good, kept well, and was great for wounds. I set 3 small pots of it on the large wood table in the dining room for bartering.

Shuffling through other pantry items, I found lots of grains and oats and some bags of flour. There were blocks of what looked like and smelled like salt- likely Iodine free, which made me wonder where he got his from, and to think to the containers of salt I had in my car with the rations. If he wasn't interested in Jam- (though my grandma's jam was delicious, couldn't see why he wouldn't be) there was the salt.

And with the animals going in and out- the house was clean, which despite the far reaches, made it less likely he was crazy. Huzzah.

My host still wasn't here- and though he had some other goods I had my eye on, the fragrant soap and other things weren't items I didn't already have, just from more manufactured origins. I could deal.

There wasn't a shower in the bathroom, just a big soaking tub and it being such a nice day, and the water so clean I decided to go outside. I was a little weary of maybe polluting the river (oh my god so clean)though, so I set up my camp shower nearby, and hauled up some of the river water to use over the grass (as well as quite a bit of water I left strapped to my roof to percolate in the sun). the camp shower curtain would protect me in case Mr. Host came back before I was decent, and if I had anything on my skin, it'd get washed into the grass which could deal with it. I had an entourage of curious barnyard animals following by now, to my own amusement, but the dogs (of which I could now see 4 or so) hadn't attacked, so I kept myself confident they wouldn't, so I didn't smell like prey.

Besides an awkward moment when one of them stuck it's nose between my legs to say hello while I was draping my clothes over the top of the shower and having to shoo another sheep out of the shower itself, there weren't any incidents. Of course I had forgotten a towel, but when I peaked around to the front there wasn't a car so, moderately dry from a few minutes in the sun, I streaked to my car for a change of clothes.

There was still some sun left, but I still hadn't been able to talk to my host. Dressed and fresh, I wandered back inside with some jam. Since I couldn't be sure He'd like it, I grabbed some gold as well (just a bit- closer to 30$ than more) and about 50ft of paracord. I traded the jam and gold, as well as the rope for the honey and a bar of his honey and oat soap (it smelled divine). I penned a short note and left it with the items.

I stepped out of the house with my haul and after loading the car, spent a minute or two bestowing cuddles and petting my entourage (they were so cute!) before I packed myself in and started up the engine. It scared a few of the sheep, but they seemed okay.

I hadn't gone far when I hit a dirt driveway? Road? Heading away from the river and toward the forest. There was a bridge on the river, but with the break in tree cover, the mountains were obvious- and I always did what I could to avoid crazies, so icky dark forest road it was. It looked a ways off- but then, so did the mountains. Both were huge, and both could have a community just on the other side. Eh. I was good for supplies. If the forest was a dead end, I'd just turn around and go the other way.

About 30 minutes along the road, I saw a bunch of horses galloping off to the side. I smiled a bit, content, until I saw the huge ass bear running behind them.

Holy shit! It was _looking at me!_ It started to turn in my direction as I passed it, obviously meaning to give chase. I floored it- from 25 to 93 in 5 seconds (5 seconds too long). I barely escaped him- he took a swipe at my rear fender at about 50 mph (bears are so fast!).

The bear shrank into the distance. I wouldn't be stopping anytime soon, Jesus. The sun was getting low. I had about an hour and a half until it started to set (early I thought, for summer- could I be in a different hemisphere?), but I needed to set up camp. I was leery of stopping too soon, since I wasn't sure how curious that bear was.

I slowed down to a stop about 40 minutes later, and raided the ice-chest without getting out. I pulled out a bag of jerky and tore into it viciously. Adrenalin made me hungry. I had some fresh peaches from my grandmother's yard. She'd had a large haul this year so she'd been happy to get rid of them (as well as the jam). I also ate a turkey sandwich roll I'd made in advance for the road. I finished it all off with a Coke and a draw of water from my canteen(the stuff from home- the water I'd nabbed from the river was still strapped to my roof).

As I munched the last of the peach, I thought of the lack of peach trees in my fellow bee lover's yard. I smiled, and set the seed aside, just in case I headed back that direction. If not, I'd just ask for the address and mail him one. I'm sure he got mail sometime (maybe every month?).

I kept driving till dark. I was a little wary of bears, so I cracked a window, deciding to sleep in the car. I pushed the passenger seat all the way back, and pulled out my sleeping bag and a pillow. I switched the car over to the secondary power for a little and turned on the heated seat. After I was warm I turned it off, and I was out like a light.

* * *

A/N: I was going to have the main character meet the company at the river while they were bathing, but I decided that the running from Beorn was more important. Company is in the next chapter!


	3. First Impressions :Part II

Chapter 3: First Impressions: Part 2

* * *

I woke a little sore and a little early. The sun still wasn't out, though it was the kind of dark that suggested dawn was soon. I had a thought and, grabbing a flashlight, did a sweep for bugs (looking for the reflection of unknown camera lenses).

There were none. I even checked the engine; and as the sun came up, took apart all my associated car lights to double check. Nothing. Nada. A frission of fear slid down my spine as I slowly put my car back together. More important than how, was **_why_** someone would move my whole car to the middle of bumfuck nowhere, without even watching me. I hadn't seen another human since I'd woken up yesterday, though where the guy from the cabin could have been I've no idea. I'd done a sweep for bugs along where I was at the road, but there hadn't been any there either. It could be that I was driving straight to my – captors?(yeah lets go with that)

But- unless these people really knew me, there wasn't any real guarantee I'd end up where they wanted at all. Unless they had. Gawds I was paranoid.

After a stringent breakfast that consisted of another peach and some jerky, enjoyed in the dawn, I continued on the road.

It only took me another 4o minutes to reach the woods- desolate and creepy as they were- to see people! _FINALLY._

There were quite a few of them, on foot, oddly enough- and it looked like they were just preparing to enter the forest by the road I'd been travelling on. As I got closer, I misjudged the distance to them a bit because they were midgets At first I thought they were lost children- them being so short, and their clothes being so odd, but I noticed their beards directly after, in the adrenaline rush of almost running one over (little people? Vertically challenged. _People-with-the-medical-condition-of-Dwarfism!_ )..

It'd been a ginger- I suppose that was alright- everyone knew gingers had no souls.*I rolled my eyes at myself as I caught my breath. Still half hysteric, I lunged out of my car and went to the kid's aid- and unlike the others, this one was definitely young- he'd no beard of his own and he had the look of baby fat in the face.

He cringed a little, when I offered my hand, and one of the others- blond, with a peculiar hairdo(a sideways Mohawk? I wasn't sure if I hated it or loved it, what with the braided beard that went with it) lunged to put himself between us, while barking something I didn't catch.

"Woah", I said, raising my hands in supplication as I noticed the knives he was brandishing, "didn't mean to almost run over anyone, I swear."

He looked confused for half a second before he lunged forward with his knives, and I stepped back to avoid them. I kept my hands up, and a look of contrition on my face. Another of the party, this one with black hair streaked with grey- marched up with the air of resolving everything. Hopefully he spoke English.

"Can you tell your friend I don't mean any harm?" I directed towards him as he walked up- which had the peculiar effect of making him stop short, his eyes narrowing (in what most would probably take for anger, but from living with my grumpy father I knew to be confusion) . I sighed. Great. The only people I see for three days, and they don't even speak English.

Yet another one- (this one kind of huffy with curly hair- and was he barefoot?) steeled his courage next, planting his feet in a defensive stance just my side of Mr. grumps-a-lot (who now looked vaguely hysterical, wide eyed and anxious with his hand half reached out- he must not like the little curly haired fellow being in supposed danger, interesting…).

He started with mumbling that ended with "…phârë ?" and then- " Bilba Labingi, kaduk laben-leg."**

Curious. I'd never heard that dialect before, I'm sure. I kept my face blank in incomprehension. And when everyone looked at me in censure, shrugged my arms up and down, putting down my hands and trying to seem at ease. The barefoot one seemed to huff indignantly. Hah. He was kind of cute.

"Bilba". He said. Doing the Tarzan/Jane routine.

"Meghan" I reciprocated, smiling.

"Naragin? Mumbled one of the others, a little indignantly- I thought; and I shook my head negatively.

"May-Gah-Hin" I exaggerated. " _Meghan_."

"Banazîr" shot back one of the others, which set some of them into nervous titters, and the rest into glaring at the culprit.

I literally give up.

I reached back behind me over my open car door to dig out a map of the US. Hopefully I was still somewhere on an Amish settlement or something. Or- and I eyed my captive audience with some dubious eyebrows- a LARPing resort.

I unfurled the map, intending to lay it on the ground, only for it to be snatched out of my hands by the sideways-blonde-mohawk dude. He inspected it thoroughly (did he _lick_ it?! Good thing it was laminated…) before handing it over to the surly one. The whole lot of them huddled around him and they laid it out.

After a few seconds of them emitting panicked noises and grumbling over the contents of the map- they all turned to me in unison. Another red-head gestured at the map as if asking "what is this nonsense?". I countered with an encompassing arm waive of our surroundings and a gesture at the map.

I received an unamused face (which was kinda hard to tell because of all the facial hair).

The red-head pulled out his own map- on honest to god _oiled-parchment-_ WTF. He laid it on top of my map, as if to compare the two, and gestured me over.

They were LARPing. It was a map of Middle earth. I looked at them again through new eyes after discerning they were pretending the be the company of Thorin Oakenshield at a point in their journey that was supposed to be after Beorn's house (wow- a Bear and a cottage were pretty heavy detail into a fantasy set-up – and damn-it, if this was a LARP resort, there had definitely been a radio at that cottage, just better hidden) and before the Greenwood.

I pulled out my phone, searching for my documents cache. I had a Kuzdhul dictionary in here somewhere when my little cousin went through that elf phase and I'd tried to convert her- ah. Here it is. I typed in a search.

I took a stick to the ground beside the map and carefully spelled out the word I needed in Dwarvish letters (Old Futhark?). Consulting the pronunciation, I carefully pronounced the Khuzdul word for 'Lonely Mountain'- "Azsalul'abad".

My audience exploded into chaos.

...

This was going to take awhile.

* * *

A/N: that was a lot of writing to cover like- an hour in the day. Jeez. (2) The people of Middle Earth do not speak English, despite what most of the Fanon think. they speak Westron (translations below). so- my dwarves, hobbits, and Men will speak common Westron, as well as their particular languages. there isn't a lot of documented westron online, as Tolkien didn't go into it as much as some of the others. so I'll probably just have my character "Meghan" ignore them for the most part, since her brain wouldn't be able to pick it out anyway. But look- Effort!

· *My first BF was a ginger. I hold no actual prejudice against gingers.

· ** Actually is Westron from a dictionary list I found on Wikipedia. It says (as far as I know) "…Language?" – and then "Bilbo Baggins, Hobbit of Bag End" in which case, Bilba is not actually a feminine form of Bilbo- but the Westron equivalent. Bilbo as a side note- is a type of short sword, fyi. 'Naragin' is the Westron word for Dwarf, 'Banazir' means Half-wit. So the reason they were split on that was because of Bifur- Lol. I love Bifur.


End file.
